Transforming Relationship as an Alternative to Breaking Up
By Dr. Andrea Gould
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What does transforming a relationship look like and why would anyone want to do it?
Joanna and Charles have been married 26 years with two sons who now have independent lives and are unlikely to return to living with their parents. Embracing a new stage of life, perky pre-menopausal Joanna seeks counseling; wondering if Charles will ever be able to hold an intimate conversation with her, look at her with desire or even be interested in her life as a human resources professional. He's the only sexual partner she's ever known and she's certain that there's more to love and romance than she'll ever experience with her husband. Charles, quiet and compulsive, is a busy cardiologist who holds "no particular dissatisfaction" with their marriage ("I have a low sex drive," he admits) and would prefer that things remain as they are. Joanna serves his needs, is a good cook, handles the family and social world and even is willing to learn golf. According to Charles, he long ago realized that long-term marriage was about "security" and for that he is grateful and complacent. Joanna keeps asking herself if she should divorce her husband, but the thought of "giving up her comfortable life and the future grandchildren" is daunting.
Transforming is indicated when there is ambivalence, an equivocal back and forth that is exasperating to all concerned (including well meaning friends and confidants.)
Transforming is indicated when other methods don't work or feel too extreme, such as "breaking up for good, or divorcing."
Transforming is indicated when you don't need to sever an entire relationship or when it isn't practical to do so, as in times when a couple has a great sexual compatibility, children/grandchildren together or share a business, property and quality of life.
To a large extent, the language we use has much to do with the outcomes we generate. Ruminating about ending relationship can cause enough anxiety to generate just the opposite response--- clinging. Fear of the unknown pairs up nicely with low self-esteem and low energy producing an uncomfortable mixture of sadness and even depression. Besides, very few mature relationships ever really end; on close inspection, they often change shape!
Thinking about transforming relationship, can enliven us--inspiring us to ask questions like "What would it take to make this union right," or "What would I need to learn – what actions would I need to take in order to find a new balance with this person whom I love?"
Joanna's growing restlessness has resulted in a commitment on her part to rigorous self-exploration and a decision to work on the union with Charles before she considers moving on. Charles, initially reluctant, is reticent, though willing, especially as he comes to understand that there is an alternative to the frightfulness of divorce. All that's required is that he open to the possibility of growing by experimenting with new behaviors for the sake of negotiating happier golden years with Joanna. He will have to learn to listen and turn down the baseball game when she needs to talk. He will have to practice sustaining eye contact when she wants to communicate her emotions. He will have to tolerate his anxiety while confronting his sexual shyness.
For her part, Joanna has agreed to listen "non-defensively" to Charles' private list of concerns, which he claims "made him turn off to her, gradually over the years." She will have to respectfully ask him for good times to address social and financial concerns as well as learn to be more direct about her desires and less withdrawn and petulant in her manner. And of course, Joanne will have to truly survey her fears and perceptions of "being alone."
Sitting with Joanna and Charles, I am certain that transforming means ending the comfortably avoidant habit patterns that governed their first marriage and patiently clearing the way for new ones to take hold. It's a process, for sure, but one that seems worth the effort to both. Their success will depend on their individual willingness to take responsibility for letting go of their old entitlements and learning courageous new ways of being in love. Personally, I think they can do it (with the help of a therapist-coach.) The alternative is not an appealing one for either of them! The idea of re-marriage to one another, with new agreements, is!
Dr. Andrea Gould is a seasoned psychologist practicing “uncommon
therapy” on Long Island as well
as through her website www.lucidlearning.com.
Dr. Gould welcomes questions and comments on any topics
or concepts mentioned in this column. You can reach
her at dragould@lucidlearning.com.
Please contact WomensEducationCenter.com
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